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Barrett Manor

Julie Barrett is a freelance writer and photographer based in Plano, TX.

All your scams are belong to us

Fresh (almost) daily from Julie Barrett


An open letter to the bank president who sent me the lovey email today:
 
Dear Mr. Bank President,

Today I received an email with the following subject line:
ABORT ALL TRANSACTIONS NOW,YOUR FUNDS IS NOW WITH US.
Well, look at this: a large American bank is trying to lure in customers with its tongue firmly planted inside of its cheek. This is so different than the "low interest rates! Trust us! We paid back our TARP funds!" sort of stuff that arrives in my snail box every day from this large bank. So I opened the email (after a virus scan, of course).
Attn : Beneficiary,
What, no Occupant? No salutation, with my name obviously pulled out of a database? Is this any way to gain a customer? If I'm the recipient of someone's largess, shouldn't you at least address me with a proper salutation? Perhaps I'm a beneficiary in a class action of some sort. You know, fill out the coupon and get a check for 30 cents or a coupon worth five bucks. That must be it.
We have received a payment credit instruction from Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan , the President Federal Republic of Nigeria whom has unanimously this year 2011 approved all outstanding Inheritance/contract payments,lottery payments which was overdue and not paid to beneficiaries,as well beneficiaries who were scammed by Nigerian 419 artists/perpetrators in one way or the order.
Well, that's a little strange. Perhaps, dear Bank President, you meant that his first name is Jonathan, although a search of the web shows you're right. Gosh, am due some money from the scam artists? And Dr. Jonathan approved this unanimously? All by himself? Be still my heart!
We are to credit your bank account with your full contract payment/compensation funds with the sum of $10 million united states dollars...
Gee, Mr. Bank President, didn't you learn proper punctuation in school? Perhaps your current state of austerity post-TARP doesn't allow you to hire a personal assistant in possession of proper grammar and spelling skills.
This arrangement was initiated/constituted by the President of Federal Republic of Nigeria, the American President (Mr. Obama Barack Hussein)the united nations, world bank and UNGA United Nations General Assembly here in New York after their meeting due to the fraudulent activities going on within the African Region,this payment arrangement is to enable beneficiaries to receive their fund Without any interfference.
Pardon me while I take a minute to recover from the whiplash induced by that sentence.

Gosh, so that was Mr. Hussein who delivered the State of the Union speech the other night. Man, the right wing nutcases were right all along! Mr. Bank President (or is it Mr. President Bank? I'm so confused!), is the united nations a separate body from the United Nations General Assembly? I learn something new every day - without interfference, even!
You are advice to stop dealing with those Africans,unpatriotic government officials of Central bank of nigeria or any other bank, telling you that your fund is with them, it is not in anyway with them,they are impostors who keep on frustrating every effort to settle beneficiaries by making requests for unauthorized fees and levies from them.
I never dealt with them in the first place, so how is my fund with them, pray tell? To make a long letter short, Mr. Bank President, you want to put $10 million (which I never claimed in the first place) into my bank account? What do I need to do?
You will have to re-confirm your full information which will be use to set up your new online account for the transfer of your funds.
Re-confirm information that I never gave you in the first place? Riiiiight.
NOTE: RESPONSE SHOULD BE MADE IMMEDIATELY BEFORE IT WILL BE TOO LATE FOR YOU.
Here is my response, Mr. President Bank: All my fund, such as they am, are belong to me. Take a hike.
Thanks for Banking with us.
Thanks for providing such excellent material for this snarkfest.

Tags: Life

Filed under: Life   419         
1/27/2011 6:42:05 PM
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