Welcome to the Undead!
Fresh when it gets here from
Julie Barrett
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
While looking for a file today I ran across this. I'd forgotten all about it. I don't know what it was supposed to be destined for, or if I was just writing for fun. But I thought I'd share it with you.
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Welcome to the Undead
Congratulations! You have survived! Welcome to our elite community.
No doubt you are confused, having very recently all but given yourself up for dead. Rejoice! You have transcended beyond death to join the exclusive society of the undead.
If you have been previously prepared for this experience, then this brochure may or may not be of assistance. Chances are you have not, and this pamphlet was designed with your immediate needs in mind. Doubtless you have many questions, which we shall try to answer:
Q: What has happened to me?
A: Perhaps you are not familiar with the term "undead." In more prosaic terms, you have joined the class of homo lamia, commonly known as the vampire.
Q: Yeah, right. And I'm Bela Lugosi.
A: We are indeed sorry for the unfortunate stereotype Mr. Lugosi and others have perpetuated regarding our kind. Were he undead, our attorneys might be pursuing legal action.
Q: So this means I have to drink ... blood?
A: Yes.
Q: Yeech.
A: We thought that way at first, too. But trust us, once you taste the sweet, luscious liquid and feel it course past your tongue and down your throat, you'll change your mind.
Q: I repeat: Yeech.
A: Don't worry; you'll get used to it.
Q: This means I have to bite people, right?
A: C'mon, this is the 21st century! You can bite people if you wish (and in fact, for many it is the most pleasurable way to obtain nourishment), but there are such numerous other ways of extracting blood that you can avoid putting the bite on others if you wish. While we are on the subject, perhaps we should say a few words about proper nourishment. While it is true that any blood will replenish your body sufficiently, we do have a few unwritten social rules regarding the extraction of personal pulmonary fluids. First, it is considered very crass to take blood form another person without having first received an invitation. The best way to procure nourishment is to take it from animals, preferably larger docile beasts. It is too easy for a famished vampire to completely drain a small animal, and you don't really want to explain to Aunt Fran what became of her beloved Fifi. The best reason to obtain nourishment from animals lies in the simple fact that Bossie is incapable of telling Farmer Brown about your nocturnal visits.
Q: I thought vampires could hypnotize people.
A: Vampires can influence people, but the degree of such varies from person to person and by the skill of the vampire. Best stay with animals until you get the hang of things.
Q: What about AIDS and other diseases?
A: Good news! In case we haven't mentioned, a vampire is pretty much immortal. Your body chemistry has changed in your new undead state, and it is capable of filtering out even the most vile bacteria and viruses. However, it would be best to stay away from people with anemia and other diseases of the blood. Not only are they lacking in some of the basic nutrients essential for the well-being of vampires, it is considered in bad taste to derive nourishment from the inform. Not to mention that their blood tastes bad.
Q: You said I could influence other people. What about those other cool vampire tricks, like turning into a bat or a mist? I'd love to turn in to a werewolf and scare my ex.
A: Once again you've fallen victim to untrue stereotypes. While it is true you can turn yourself invisible and reduce your presence to a cold chill felt only by those who cross your path, the ability to change into other corporeal forms comes straight from fiction. You can, however, move through the air when you are invisible. As for the werewolf, you're no lycanthrope. Vampires do not come and go with the full moon. They must come and go with the sunset and sunrise.
Q: Ah, that's another question. What do I do when it gets to be sunrise?
A: You're full of questions, aren't you? The best place to be at sunrise is away from people. You won't melt or burn up (another stereotype), but you will find yourself literally dead to the world, which will make you vulnerable to those who do not understand our means of existence. The best thing you can do is find a good hidey hole. And yes, it is true that you will rest better if you have some of your home soil on hand. Your next order of business (after your first meal) should be to make plans to return to your birthplace for some soil samples.
Q: So, if I'm not awake in the daytime, what if others see me? Does my skin...
A: You will only sparkle if you use glitter. We stopped doing that in the seventies. Glam is so out.
Q: You mentioned those who do not understand the vampiric means of existence. Wouldn't lifestyle be a better word? I should be very afraid of garlic and crosses, right?
A: Garlic will only give you bad breath, should you choose to breathe. Crosses are no trouble unless they happen to be made of wood. As for the turn of phrase, only is "lifestyle" so eighties (why are you hung up on the past, anyway?) but the word does not exactly describe the way we go about our night-to-night affairs, does it?
Q: Wood? I thought I should avoid silver bullets.
A: There you go, confusing your lifestyles ("lifestyle" would be a appropriate for a werewolf, since they still live and breathe) again. Silver bullets kill only werewolves. And maybe a few people who drink too much light beer. Wood is your immortal enemy. Unfortunately, it is very true that a stake dinner should be avoided at all costs, for you'll likely never recover from the heartburn. Still, a blow from a wooden object can cause a serious injury. Fortunately, vampires can recover from even the most gruesome of wounds given the chance to heal. You'll find a fast meal will be of great help, but if you partake of the person in the drive-through, don't order the fries.
Q: Well, that certainly answers my immediate questions.
A: Good, because this brochure is all the free support you'll get.
Q: Just who are you, anyway?
A: Glad you asked. We are The Banded Legion of the Once Dead, the vampire's union. B.L.O.O.D. also represents reanimated corpses and certain zombies. Please consider joining the union for full benefits, including:
- Training sessions with experienced vampires.
- Support groups for the newly undead and those undergoing psychological trauma associated with their existence.
- Home soil locator service (especially useful for those who may have been adopted at birth).
- Assistance in obtaining new a identitiy once the old one has been "outlived."
- PR materials and seminars to help educate the public and dispel stereotypes surrounding the vampiric state of the undead.
Call our 24-hour hotline at 1-800-FANG to be connected with a representative in yuor part of the world. Our main business office is open from sunset - sunrise Monday - Friday, Pacific Time. Major credit cards acepted.
B.L.O.O.D. brothers and sisters united in undeath are here to server your needs. Enjoy your changed state!
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That was a bit silly, wasn't it? Hey, it beat diagramming database structure!
Tags: Writing
Filed under: Writing Humor
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