home of the Pet Rock, has become the Rodney Dangerfield of the globe. Yes, we've got no respect. We seem to be lacking in ingenuity, folks.
You are no doubt wondering why I have suddenly turned my word processor to a serious topic. The blame falls upon my editor, who insists that I am not doing my part to end world suffering, promote peace, and win a Pulitzer Prize for commentary like some other humor writers have. Therefore, she has assigned me the topic of How to Help the American Economy, and has threatened me with the thumbscrews if I do not write an actual piece of serious journalism.
Regular readers of this space are well aware that I've done my share of serious pieces. Witness the two columns I devoted solving the budget crisis in Texas. Is it my fault that no one took seriously my suggestion that the state charge folks for gawking at traffic accidents? I've also spent a year warning the populace of the imminent invasion of the dreaded Flying Asian Cockroach, and believe me, you haven't heard the last of that one yet. Still, I shall press on.
The aforementioned marketing opportunity is slipping away through our fingers faster then we can say "Grand Old Party." Curiously enough, it's another topic I've devoted entire columns to. Dear Readers, we are missing out on our chance to put a husband and wife team in the White House.
For those who are new to this column, here's the idea in brief: Why not take Robert and Elizabeth Dole, two politicians from the heartland of Kansas, and elect them as president and vice president? It really doesn't matter who gets which position. It's the marketing angle we're looking at.
Of course, there are other good things that would come out of such a match-up in Washington. For starters, there would be only one family for the Secret Service to look after. And talk about simplifying affairs of state! The vice president would finally have as much say as the presidential spouse would.
But enough of that. We were talking about the marketing angle, weren't we? If we get a matched pair in the White House, think of all of the things our American entrepreneurs could come up with to capitalize on it.
We could have Bob and Liz salt and pepper shakers. Just the thing for spicing up an All-American breakfast. The same company could also produce the Dole butter dish and knife set, for folks who know which side their bread is buttered on.
Let's not forget those cute ceramic figurines. Collect the whole set. President Elizabeth and vice president Robert. Or the other way around. Or both if they manage to make four terms out of it.
Someone will undoubtedly try to market a pair of gloves, but since the pair will contain only right hands, they'll have to be packaged with a pair of Gerald Ford commemorative gloves.
Of course, we have a major problem in that Robert Dole has dropped out of the race, meaning that unless there is a "draft the Doles" movement this summer at the convention, all of these wonderful ideas would be worth slightly less than the current value of the U.S. dollar. So, in order to make my editor (and my thumbs) happy, I'll devote the rest of this week's space to a new marketing project.
If we can't compete with imports from the east, the least we can do is try and capitalize on them in some way, and what better import to start with than the dreaded Flying Asian Cockroach? (I told you you hadn't heard the last of this one.) Yes, even as you read this, the cockroaches are making their way across these United States. These large, winged creatures love people and they love the daylight. Cringe if you must, but think of the possibilities:
A good kiddie toy is in order here, and I suggest the Flying Asian Cockroach Backyard Barbeque and Tactical Assault Team Set. See Mommy and Daddy and Brother and Sister enjoying a nice backyard outing. See the Flying Asian Cockroaches attack the bug light. See the family turn into a crack commando squad, complete with miniature Uzi guns, and wipe out both the bugs and the& neighborhood.
We could tie that into a Saturday morning cartoon series, too. Think of all the toy makers and animators we could put to work on that one. Of course, the program would be educational, teaching the children how to eradicate a pesky life form from this planet. Of course, we couldn't get too educational, lest the little ones get the idea that nerdy cousin Fred belongs in the same category.
See, all it takes is a little American determination and we could get our economy turned around again. America, land of the free Flying Asian Cockroach model in every box of breakfast cereal and home of the brave columnist who is learning to type with a pair of broken thumbs. Kinda brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?